My Discernment Story
Ever since my childhood, I’ve noticed that my faith was very different from my peers. Even in my Parish’s youth group, I noticed that I was very curious about my Catholic heritage. I suppose it was a blessing from God because growing up, my family would try to pray a mystery of the rosary together every night. I always felt, on an unconscious and often time conscious level, that my faith is the most important thing, the rock for me to stand on. Because of this, I stood out. I carried myself differently. I talk differently. I worship differently. I participate in Mass differently. Perhaps it was for these reasons that people kept on suggesting the priesthood to me.
Consequently, at the age of fifteen, I took my first step towards the celibate vocation by attending a come and see with the Redemptious Order in Houston, TX. I enjoyed my time there. I loved the brothers, the prayers, the discipline, the food. I enjoyed the community of brothers living together, supporting one another, all under one roof. We would watch movies together every now and then, and they were usually movies about saints, and I thought “what could be better than this?” I love the fact that I when I want to pray, all I had to do was walk down the hall and behold Christ in the tabernacle. This is where I was introduced to the Liturgy of the Hours, and I absolutely loved it, its poetry, its elegance, its communal design. I could definitely adapt to waking up to a gong announcing the Mass every morning. I remember thinking how “cool” it would be to live the rest of my life in such a community. In my prayers I asked God to give me this vocation if He had not already done so. The more that I prayed, the more comfortable I became with the idea of me becoming a priest. Then I promise God that I will enter the religious life and become His priest.
I talked to my parents about my vocation. My dad had enter the seminary and left after a couple of years. Years later he explains to me why. The reason why he entered the seminary was because he loves learning and in Viet Nam during those days, the seminary presented a really attractive opportunity to go to college and study. The religious community he entered however was very corrupt. They imposed all kinds of sufferings to test the students’ level of obedience. My dad was part of a group that revolted, and he left the community with bitterness. He said that he’s not against my calling to the seminary, but he continually suggested ways I could help the Church and grow in my spiritual life to become a saint as a laity. I considered what he said, and all of these things that he would repeat in different ways over the next couple of year.
The next summer I came back to the Redemptious community, this time it was a week-long come and see. Much the same as the previous year, I really enjoyed my visit. This time though, I got to see a little more of the poverty and the sacrifices involved. They took us to visit a second house in Irving, TX. This place was a run-down apartment complex that was adapted for their seminarians. I got to meet more of the new recruits, who were not as elegant nor were they as well mannered as the brothers that lived in Houston. This did not bother me much however. Back then I used hymns and songs a great deal in prayer. One day in pray I sang “…an offering once made, I will not waver Lord.” But I felt that God was whispering “not yet, you are not ready.” After a week of prayers, I decided I would spend the next five years living in the world and mature in my faith as well as my character… maybe more of the latter. I promised God that I would come back and I will enter the seminary and I will be His priest.
High school went by with its many trials and ups and downs. Though there were times when I doubted my calling to the priesthood, I was known amongst my friends as a priest-to-be. One girl, Annie Lu, a young lady who I had much respect and admiration for, gave me “priest” as her personal nickname for me. I had a lot of feelings for Annie. We’ve known each other since the card games during study hall in 7th grade. She always had a big heart for service and an overwhelmingly enthusiastic personality and a phenomenal organizational skill to match. She became the president of KeyClub, a volunteer organization that I became very involved with because of her. Annie was one of the top debaters at James Bowie High School, a club I would also join as an upper classman. She became the Valedictorian of our graduating class. We shared experiences in many other organizations together and it was Annie who really inspired me to really live life, live it with energy and passion!
I did not know how I felt about Annie in my heart, I still don’t. All I knew was that I wanted to spend time with her and get to know her on a deeper level than my other friends. The problem was that Annie was a very popular girl and I, though I knew a lot of people, I had no confidence in the person I was. I didn’t know how to engage in conversations. I didn’t have very many people skills. I didn’t feel like I even had a personality. I felt everything about me was fake. I always dressed nice and held myself up acting as formal as I can be at that age so people always assume that I was highly skilled and gifted. Everyone treated me with respect thinking I was a natural born leader, great at public speaking, knowledgeable in everything, trustworthy, honest. The reality of it was that I was a horrible leader. One time I stormed out of a leadership meeting in my youth group because everyone was talking at once and it drove me insane. I wasn’t much of a public speaker either, or so I thought. People would scream and cheer when I speak on stage, but most of the things I said were stolen from somewhere in the Vietnamese culture and I wasn’t very good at translating and incorporating it into my message either. I wasn’t really that smart. Everyone thought that I was a straight A student, top twelve in the class or something of the sort. I made B’s too. My graduating GPA was 11.75 out of 15, 15 because I was an honor student as oppose to 12 for the normal student. I graduated 17th in my class, not in the top 12. Also, I didn’t particularly enjoy watching sports, or cared much for the personal life of celebrities, nor do I enjoy gossips. That added together with my very traditional Vietnamese family equals a very unique teenager who can’t relate to any of his peers. All of these things made me feel like I fell short of the person that I was supposed to be, the person I was expected to be. Annie didn’t give me much attention, mainly because she didn’t know how, if not sports, celebrities, or the politics of high school what else could we talk about? Our senior year we had six out of seven classes together but we wouldn’t be able to name what each other’s favorite food was.
In addition to all of this, there was another challenge. There were many things about my faith that I was raised with, and now I wanted to understand them. I asked a great deal of questions but never really got many good answers. I was part of a youth group at my parish that tried to teach me about the Catholic faith. However, the more that I learned the more I felt the lessons were inadequate. I was hungry for more, I was thirsting for something deeper. All the youth leaders could not show me that depth of the Catholic faith that I was aching to see. Looking back I believe that God was teaching me a different lesson. Through the examples of their lives, these youth leaders taught me the value of commitment and dedication. You see, for many of these people, Tam Nguyen and Hoa Le in particular, the Church was the main focus of their lives. In many areas, these people were a bit misguided. For one reason or another they didn’t fully understand everything that is Catholic, but they lived out their faith the best way they knew how. Hence I started living my life the same way, giving my all to whatever I believe, whatever task I am assigned.
I did not know this at the time, and so combined with my emotional instability with Annie and my lack of confidence in my social life, I was a mess. On the outside I gave the façade of stability, but on the inside I was constantly depressed. I think three to four times every year I would fall into a month long depression. Even though I could name half the students in the school, I often felt lonely as if I didn’t have a friend in the world. In response to all of this, I fell back on my faith. I remember telling God: Lord, I give myself to you, the nothing that I am, You know that I am worth less than scum, but here I am, if you want me then here, maybe you can do something about this worthless piece of trash that I am. The more depressed I got and the more I felt rejected by society, the more time I spent in prayer. One day in prayer, as I was contemplating the sadness of my life, I felt God saying “be satisfied with being loved by me alone.” Therefore, I looked more and more to God to fill the void when I was lonely, to be the listening ear when I need to talk, to be my company when I want to be with a friend. Despite how hard I tried, this was a lesson that carried on into my college years and continues to be perfected in me.
During these years, I kept an open mind to vocations. I continued to look at religious orders when opportunities presented themselves. I went up to Iowa to look at the Divine Word Missionaries. I sent a request for information to the Jesuits and learned their examination of conscience. And I persisted in these endeavors all through college. On the other hand I also explored the marriage vocation. Though I was interested in romantic relationships with many young ladies, I never entered into the “dating world.” In my prayers, God helped me to see relationships as something sacred and I drew away from the worldly game that they call dating. In high school I had confidence issues, but in college I had to control my hormones and bite my tongue.
Though I learned a great deal and grew a bit in my faith journey in high school, I left Bowie with a broken spirit, no real idea of who I am, and just kind of lost, not belonging anywhere. When I started college at the University of Texas at Arlington, I started joining every single organization I could find. I went to every Christian organization on campus the day before class started. I became involved with EXCEL, an organization that sponsors almost every extracurricular event on campus, UTA Volunteers, and I also attended meetings with other random clubs and organizations. After a while I made some friends at the Mavs4Christ Church of Christ organization, Wesleyan college community, and also in the secular organizations on campus. The University Catholic Community at UTA was a unique experience and that’s what I would like to highlight.
When I first came to the University Catholic Community (UCC) at UTA I was very excited to be around Catholics who were all my peers and all living out their Catholic faith. However, I think it was because of my state in life, I felt ostracize. There was a guy name Stephen Olivier who would say hi to me and ask me how things are going every time I come. Every else for the most part kept to themselves and the people they knew. I recall telling a friend that I felt the community was just really cold. I kept coming back though, partly because this is the first time I’ve been in an English speaking Catholic community, and I was draw in by the English translation of my faith, especially in the music. I’ve always loved music and to this day I am a very auditory learner. I was moved by many of the songs that were sung. Another reason why I kept coming back was because I’ve always loved my Catholic faith. I joined the other groups on campus more to reach out and try to understand them than to seek a new church.
Two good friends of mine from high school introduced me to some business mentalities that fall. Somehow, they got me to start reading books on success. From there I started reading many other books and listening to books on tape about business, relationships, dating, romance, mystery, success principals and so on. One of these books in particular that really impacted me was Rich Dad Poor Dad by Robert Kyosaki. The book helped me to plant my foot down on a concept I’ve been developing: society teaches people how to be slaves to the corporate world and popular culture; to be successful we must break from the mold. One of my two friends, Quang Bui, got me to join one of his ventures: building a multi-level marketing independent owners business. I was not very successful with it at all. The company did not provide any technical training, but they did teach us a great deal about the business concept I was developing. I grew more and more open to all forms of business until I started realizing how important communication skills and leadership skills are and how much I lack both. The following Spring I was recommended by an old friend for an internship with The Southwestern Company. This company teaches college students every aspect of business and also personal development. They would take a college student, prepare him emotionally and technically over the school year, then send him to another state and teach him from how to speak to a stranger to filing taxes. They told me that in three months, the average student makes about $8,500. I thought all of my skills were below average so I expected to make a lot less, which I did. I think I made about six to seven grand. The more valuable reward that I receive that summer was a better understanding of myself. Every fault and weaknesses were brought to light. In a sense, everything that I am was lain out on the table. This was a critical step because for the next couple of years, with the help of many key people acting as the hand of God, I started to replace faults with virtues and weaknesses with strengths.
The rest of my freshman year, I slowly grew into the UCC, but after that summer I became a closer member of that community. My sophomore year in college, under the influence of that Catholic community and the guidance of my sales manager and mentor Virgie Sandford, I developed a personality for myself and defined the person that I am. I set specific goals each day, each week to improve my communication skills, my leadership skills, my sense of vision for my life, my relationship with God. In addition to reading and listening to books, I either met or called Virgie two or three times a month to tell her what I’ve been doing and allow her to guide me. The UCC was a wonderful place for me to learn how to talk to people, and they were generous with me when I didn’t get things quite right and offended people. They impacted me a great deal with their enthusiasm for the Catholic faith, their compassion, their love for one another, and how genuine they were with each other. Some like Gabe Gutierrez, who later became my first spiritual director, encouraged me to pray and inspired me to think with the many bible studies we had together. Gabe was a great facilitator and I have relied on his example since those days to figure out this communication thing. But I also ventured out into the dancing arena to learn how to treat women with dignity and respect. Additionally, now as a manager with Southwestern, I had the opportunity to attend business seminars, which incessantly reminded me of what I needed to work on and gave me ideas as to how. I also had a very motivated group of college students, my friends in Southwestern, who provided me examples of what encouraging people, positive self-talk, staying organized, listening, and engaging in conversations look like.
I went to Minnesota the next summer with Southwestern. I got to hone in on my skills and learn more about myself. One of the biggest things I learned was that I need to be genuine; I need to learn to genuinely care about people and be able to express it. After I came back that summer I asked Gabe to be my spiritual director. Actually, I asked him for guidance so often that one day he said to me: Chinh do you have a spiritual director or is that what we’re doing here? With Gabe, Virgie, Southwestern, and the Catholic Community, I grew tremendously that year as a person. I had a hard time imagining that insecure little kid that graduated from high school. I felt like a new person, confident even to the point where I could walk up to a complete stranger in an environment I was not familiar with and strike up a conversation. This was a challenge that Virgie gave me that year. She told me to find something I was comfortable most with, which was my faith, then go to places where I would find those people and just start making friends and building relationships. Hence I started travelling to Texas Christian University (TCU) Catholic Community in Fort Worth, University of Dallas (UD), University of North Texas (UNT) Catholic Community, Baylor University Catholic Community, and I even travelled as far as Texas A&M in college station and introduced myself to Catholics at St. Mary’s, the college parish at A&M. One time I got lost in Coppell and used the opportunity to meet more people. Some time that Spring I met a student name Chris Black who told me in our first meeting: Chinh I have never had this deep of a conversation with anyone I just met before. God has brought me a long way. That spring I was also introduced to theology and the vast amounts of resources to teach me about my Catholic faith. It started with a CD by Father Larry Richards explaining ecstatically the Mass. Then I listened to Scott Hahn’s conversion story, and on and on I went until I ventured into the Theology of the Body.
Gabe and I had discussed my vocation a couple of times before. I met a girl name Tara Johnston through Southwestern the past summer and we’ve been working together a lot. Each time I talk to her I become more and more attracted. She had an extremely vibrant personality that seems to liven my calm personality. I respect her for her ability to work hard, relate and connect with people, and care for her peers. I started to imagine our relationship becoming more than friends after a conversation on the phone where she shared that she has now realized that dating should only be entered into with much thought and for the pursuit of marriage. By this point I have come to really value communication so I told her how I felt. I said: Tara, I am very attracted to you because you bring excitement to my life and put a smile on my face with your contagious enthusiasm; I’d like to pursue a relationship with you, but I don’t think either one of us is ready for that right now; I wanted you to know so that if I act weird around you, you’ll understand why, but I’d like for us to continue to be friends and get to know each other. Before Christmas I went to Gabe to talk about this. My five years agreement with God was about to be over in a couple of months and I need to figure out what I should do about my relationship with Tara. I don’t want to pursue a relationship with her if God’s calling me to the priesthood. That would only result in a break up which will cause her pain. After much dialog and prayers, we came to the conclusion that I need to stop thinking about my vocation. There were other things that needed to be taken care of. I need to first finish my college education, then I had to finish my commitment with Southwestern. I promised Virgie that I would work with Southwestern for 5 years, because I felt that’s about how long it would take for me to grow into the person that I imagine myself to be before I move on to the next phase of my life.
In the spring, Janet Wolf, a friend of mine from UNT, introduced me to Christopher West and the Theology of the Body. Almost immediately, I fell head over heal in love with the marriage sacrament. I started applying the concept that God created us in His image to love as He loves to everything. I created art with my graphic designs skills to reflect this theology of the human body. I applied the self-giving, honoring the beloved to dancing. I started training myself to see Christ revealed in others and treating them as Christ. I also started thinking about the marriage vocation. I imagined what it would be like to engage in a romantic relationship and giving myself to my girlfriend to help her draw closer to Christ. I created scenarios of our relationship with problems and then figured out how I would resolve them in a loving manner. I planned out my first date, my first kiss, the proposal, the wedding. I imagined what it would be like to have a family. I tried to picture how sex expresses and renew the marriage vows, how sex can heal, how my wife and I will care for and cherish each other and love each other in our everyday actions, my little sweet surprises. I thought about how I could make her feel like she’s being held and loved by Christ Himself. And then I thought about how our love will give life. I’d like to open several businesses and set them off to prosper and manage on their own while supporting my family. We wouldn’t live in a nice house, but a humble one so that my kids can learn the value of suffering and learn to give. We would not enjoy gifts at Christmas, but rejoice in giving presents to others. We would home school our kids, teach them GK Chesterton, and train them how to impact others with their lives.
By the end of spring semester, I was convinced that I should get married. In the mist of all of this, I felt this tingling thought that I should look at the priesthood again. Henceforth, before I left for Georgia with Southwestern, I came to God and said: Lord, I really like this marriage thing, this is what I want to do with my life, but I want to do your will so if you want me to become a priest then make me fail this summer. I gave God three specific things that are to happen to define failure. I said the prayer and then forgot it. This third summer with Southwestern I had an exponential growth in my spiritual life. There was not a week that went by where I did not shed tears because of sorrow or overwhelming joy. I remember sitting in Mass one Sunday reflecting on all that had happened the previous week. I was basking in presence of God as He lift my burdens and worries off of me like the refreshing waves of water in the shower cleansing the dirt from my body. As I looked up and gaze at the tabernacle, I thought about the omnipotence and power of this king of the universe. My heart sank in awe as I realize how unworthy I am to be washed by Him. As I gaze on, I wanted to shout for joy, but the only words that came forth from my lips were “holy holy holy” and I wept and wept. The cushion of the seat before me was damp with my tears of unfathomable joy! Every week, in addition to calling my family, I also called a new friend I made at TCU that spring, Melinda Castro. She offered a listening ear and a gentle spirit that seems to calm and inspired me. I opened myself to her and shared all of these revelations that God was blessing me with. One time we talked for two hours as I half wept half orate about the unsurpassed beauty of Christ, and Melinda on the other line listened and prayed for me all the while.
There was another principal that Christ made real for me this summer. In the business that I do with Southwestern I work off of a system of recommendations from previous customers. From those recommendations I go to their houses to meet customers in person. Sometimes I get really nice people who knew I was coming and love to look at educational resources for their kids. Other times I get people that slam the door in my face saying “I’m not really sure what you have, but we’re fine with what we have.” After two summers, I am not very affected by these things, most of the time. Every now and then I get a person that puts it in just the right way at just the right time and it hurts. Do you really know me? Do you really know what I want to offer you? You would throw away an opportunity for your kids to excel in school because of your preconceived notion about me? But I keep on knocking, believing in the law of averages which states that at least 2 out of every 30 will sign up for this program to help their kids with school. One Sunday I sat in Mass thinking about this. As the priest was consecrating the hosts it dawned on me: ever since the beginning of man, Christ has been knocking on the door of our hearts. How many people told him “no, thanks?” How many people slammed the door in his face? How many people said “I’m not really sure what you have, but we’re fine with the life we have.” Do you know who I am? Do you know I want to give you a love beyond your comprehension? You would throw away the opportunity to become the son of God and live the beatific vision, a bliss far more thrilling that anything this world has to offer because of your preconceptions about me? The priest elevates the Eucharist and said “through Him, with Him, in Him, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, all glory and honor is yours almighty Father, forever and ever!” As I cried “AMEN” my voice cracked and I broke into tears realizing how much it must have hurt Christ when the 1 billionth person he reached out to, offering him His love and he slams the door in Christ’s face. And over and over and over again Jesus keeps knocking, knowing that eventually He’ll get to someone like me who answers “yes Lord, come on into my life.” Am I worth all that pain Lord? As I looked up at that simple piece of bread, Christ that I just received into myself, I realized the answer, and I wept for joy. I wept to the point where there were snot everywhere and my body started shaking uncontrollably. There was an old woman sitting next to me. She was in her late sixties or early seventies. She touched her hand on my back and ask if I was alright. At that instance I immediately connected with all the people in that church as I realized: this is my family. Towards the end of the summer on my drive to Nashville, I was listening to Scott Hahn’s First Comes Love. Scott talks about how the God was preparing the Israelites for this kingdom that is His church. For the Israelite they had a trustee family system where every member of a tribe is consider family and called brothers and sisters. That is why there is not a word in Hebrew for “cousin.” But the Israelite was restricted geographically and they kept to their own tribe, not to mention ethnicity. The Catholic Church, the family of God surpasses all boundaries. It stretches from East to West, includes every tribe, tongue, and nation. It includes every prophet and saint that came before us and every child that comes after us. This is an understanding I had from childhood, but during this summer it was manifested into my heart and soul.
Aside from the spiritual element of my summer, God not only make me fail that summer, He even threw in a bunch of reminders. Everything was set for me to double my production: I had a place to stay all set up with an alumnus of the company, I had my choice of where I wanted to work, and I was on a team with some of the best producers and managers in the company. Not only did I had a hard time with my customers, half way through the summer I was kicked out of my host family because of my roommates. We then found a place with a seminarian for the Diocese of Atlanta. At the end of the summer, I was finishing up loose ends of my business and attending the Masses. Before Mass that Sunday a stranger approached me to say hi. He told me he was from Florida and recently came to Atlanta. Before we parted he said “you are called to be a priest, I know you’ve heard the calling.” I brushed it off and went in for Mass. I’ve heard that my entire life. The seminarian I stayed with tells me every week that I should be a priest. That Wednesday was the feast of Mary’s Assumption. I was helping my roommate deliver some books to some of his customers, then we came to church for Mass. I usually stay about half an hour to an hour after Mass to talk to Jesus, but since it was a weekday and we had lots of work to do, I only took a couple of minutes to say thank you before leaving. On my way out an old woman stopped me and asked if I had considered the priesthood. I said “yes,” thank her, thought to myself “strange…” then continued about my week. By the end of the week everything was finished so my two roommates and I drove up to Nashville, Southwestern’s headquarter, to file our paperwork and then headed on home, back to Texas. I formed the habit in the spring to go to Mass every day. I kept the habit through the first month of the summer then I stopped because I could not find a Mass that did not interfere with my work schedule. Once I got back to Texas I wanted to continue daily Mass attendance. My family moved from Arlington to Grand Prairie in the spring but I have not visited our new parish yet. After much rest from my trip, I decided to check out this new church. The pastor I later found out was also new to the parish. I detected a lot of uncertainties in his voice as he celebrated Mass so I tried to find him after the fact to encourage him. In the time that it took me to finish my prayers, this priest had disappeared. I saw two old women discussing some event that the parish was hosting so I approached them to ask if they knew where the priest went. They didn’t know, but before I went about my ways, one of the women asked me “have you thought about becoming a priest?” The next day I started to notice that maybe God is trying to tell me something.
There was a lock-in that weekend that my sisters wanted to go to at St. Luke’s in Irving. They’ve been involved with the Vietnamese Catholic community mostly and this is the first English Catholic event that they seem serious about attending. I decided to encourage them in this by joining them. At the lock-in I got to meet and talk with a gentle old priest and a couple of brothers from the Dominican Priory at UD. Then I saw the film The Fisher of Men for the first time. I was very moved, but I told Gabe I would put my discernment on hold so I just brushed it off. Besides, at this point I was still more interested in the Marriage vocation. That Sunday, for some reason, all these things finally caught up to me. I spent some time in prayer. Then I called Gabe and told him I needed to talk. We met the next morning for breakfast at a rowdy mom & pop on Abrams and Collins. We talked about many things including the fact that the intensity to which I approach life, and approach other people, has lead several female friends to get the wrong idea. We then talked through vocations again. I told Gabe that I asked God to make me fail this summer if He wanted me to become a priest despite how impossible I felt that would be, but He did. I told him about the three messengers. I told him how I could see myself as one of the priests holding the Blessed Sacrament when I watched the Fishers of Men. He then tells me that I am getting to a point where he cannot guide me anymore and that I should find a new spiritual director. His last advice to me was to go to a Jesuit silent retreat at Montserrat and spend some time discerning God’s will.
The retreat he pointed me to was coming up in a week. I called them, filled out the application, got some money and drove off to the retreat. For four days I battled with myself in a bloody debate between marriage and priesthood. What was God calling me to? In my deepest meditations I could sense that God is calling me towards the priesthood, but then as I allow it to sink in I reasoned myself to marriage. After all, this world needs saintly Catholic families to set the example for a world in darkness. God seem to have been leading me one step at a time into the priesthood starting with my early call to the seminary, then constantly kept me from romantic relationships so I can later devote everything to Him, then developing my people skills to reach out to His people, then teaching me theology so that I can be a priest. On the other hand God could also have been leading me to marriage by showing me how I ought to devote myself to Him even while living in the world using the Redemptious brothers as example. He kept me from romantic relationships so that I would not get entangled in the lies that our dating culture teaches so I that my wife will always be the best kisser since there is no one to compare her to, which makes a world of difference for me to love her with my whole heart as Christ loves the Church. He could have developed my people skills so I can be a testimony to Him while I’m at work, at the coffee shop, or at a bible study. Also, a good theology backbone today is essential for any Catholic, religious or laity. All the qualities that makes a good priest also makes a good husband, now what? Three out of the four days I spent in silence before the Blessed Sacrament agonizing over this.
At the end of the second day I was reading the passage where Jesus called Simon, later named Peter. I noticed that Simon took the boat out to sea and cast the net before Jesus said “come follow me and I will make you fishers of men” (Matt 4:19). As a result, I decided the thing for me to do now was to go to as many Come and See as possible and see where God leads me from there. As I thought about it though, it occurred to me that if I go visit a seminary, I’m going to get really excited. I always get carried away by my emotions and I’ve always been excited by the seminarian life, just as much as I would probably be excited if I started dating. In order to balance the scale to help me make a decision not overly swayed by emotions, the wise thing to do is to also enter into a dating relationship at the same time. I’m not the type of guy to get really physically involved up front and I have disciplined myself enough over the years to where I could trust myself with that. This relationship would have to be focused on Christ and prayers. The battle would be to see which would lead me closer to Christ. I felt like that was doable, there were women who would like to be in a relationship with me, or at least I thought so. Maybe Melinda and I could make a good couple. We can talk about almost anything and I’ve shared so much of myself with her already. She would appreciate a relationship centered on Christ and prayers. But is she romantically attracted to me and am I really romantically attracted to her. We’ve been good friends, but I don’t know if there’s chemistry between us. Or maybe TinaMarie and I could pursue this together. I find her very attractive. I already found her hard to resist. Sometimes when I sit and talk with her and start realizing what a beautiful person she is, my mind starts to wonder what it would be like to kiss her. I had to fight extra hard to respect her and treat her like a sister and nothing more. I’m pretty sure she is also very attracted to me, or at least wouldn’t mind a relationship with me. But could that relationship be totally focused on Christ or would we get carried away with each other and start getting uncontrollably physical? There were others that I started to think about before I shared the idea with Father Nathan Stone, the director of the retreat. He encouraged me to look into the religious life and he also encouraged me to start up a romantic relationship. Nevertheless, I became more and more uncomfortable with this dating thing. I have never dated anyone before and this made me a little hesitant, but that wasn’t what was bothering me. I didn’t feel right about putting a young lady, especially one I really care about into a position where she could fall in love with me and then I run off to the seminary. It would be unfair to her an unloving on my part. Furthermore, even though the relationship would be advantageous to both of us because of the focus on Christ, I still feel like I would be using the girl a little. But neither of those things were what really bothered me. I just didn’t feel right inside. I continued to debate this, and also my vocation as well.
By Saturday night, the third night, I felt like I was going in circle with all the reasoning and feelings and logic. Father Stone opened his private chapel where he had 24/7 Eucharistic exposition for me to pray. I continued to struggle with God’s calling for 50 minutes or so. I was using the spiritual exercise I was taught. The last ten minutes of the exercise I am to speak to God as if in a conversation, telling him what I felt He was saying to me and what I think of it all. But I was so confused and boggle headed that I just prostrated before our Lord and I said: Jesus, I don’t know, I don’t know where you are leading me, I’m not really sure what you want me to do. But ever since I was small, I felt you calling me to the priesthood. When I look deep inside, this is what I want. I want to be a priest; I want to be Your priest. From now on I will pursue the religious life and hopefully enter a seminary. If this is not your will Lord, I am counting on you to close this door. All of the sudden a sense of inspiration and peace came over me. My last day at the retreat, I felt God just reaffirming me with peace and joy throughout the day.
